We're born alone and we die alone.

Written on the 21st April:

Friends. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that I'm sick of trying, sick of making the most effort, sick of waiting for people to change and become proper friends. Yet I'm still torn between letting them go and hanging on to them. I sometimes feel I'd rather have them as "every now and then" friends, then not at all. Some call them "party friends" some "fair-whether-friends." Can you even call someone like that your friend? One in particular, that I genuinely love, and care about a lot, never calls, never smses me if I don't sms her first. It just seems so one sided and makes me so angry. There have been times that I've cut her out of my life without her knowing and then when I see her and we're together, everything's just perfect again. But then the same circle starts once again. Where I make all the effort and feel worthless and unimportant to her. The thing is, this is the kinda person she is... This is how she is with most of her friendships, she doesn't really need anyone. But, that doesn't excuse her or make it OK. Because I'm someone that does need people. So at this point in time, I for some reason, feel lonely. Not because I have no one, or no friends. Just because I feel like I'm lacking PROPER, true, always there for you, kind of friends. I'm not blaming them entirely for their lack of friendship, I blame myself too.

I don't really have a "best friend" that I run to when I'm upset or needing a break from life. I have a girlfriend who is all of the things I need. She's my lover, my best friend, my comfort, my partner in crime, my support and my family. She's everything in one. But there's naturally only so much a lover can do and when a friend needs to step in... I used to have a "twin" (as Muffin calls it) a few actually, but now as i'm older and more mature, they all seem to have fallen away for different reasons. I now have lots of friends for lots of different areas of my life. Just not one that can fulfill all at once.

This year, starting my course, I've found a whole mixute of different people in my class. Which in itself is awesome, such different personalities and maturity levels. Keeps me entertained. Yet there are those few that after a while I need some serious space from. Some of them I can only handle in small doses. Maturity levels rise and fall every day... Sometimes I feel 17 again and sometimes I'm so glad I'm not. I have my own group of friends that I love and those few who I have really connected and shared so much with and them with me. But I do feel some of them keep very much to their own group/colour, which personally I don't really like. It makes me feel weird and separated. Even with some of my closser friends, I feel in the past they were still very closed to me, and i'd try provoke or be interested in their lives, yet, I'd still feel it was very one sided- yet again. But i suppose, some people just take longer to trust, longer to accept, longer to love and care than I do. And that's something I have to learn and respect.

Every friend I have in my life is special to me in some way. I care, I care a lot. Sometimes too much.

These are just my feelings, take it or leave it.

I MISS MY FAMILY...

Dad- You are my hero, my strength, my teacher, my secure foundation, my protection, my support, my true friend, my honour, my sense of humour, my doctor, my soul, my adviser, my happiness, my first call, my tear catcher, my pops, my everything...

Mom- You are my comfort, my security, my carer, my inner strength, my heart, my favourite dancer, my compassion, my pride, my diamond, my heart, my every kind deed, my friend, my shoulder to cry on, my smile, your outer and inner beauty I admire, your selflessness i love, my mom, my everything...

Dean- You're the apple of my eye, my treasure, my music, the depth of my heart, my pride and joy, my favourite partner, my kindest words, life's sweetness, amazingly wonderful, i'm lucky to have you, the kindest boy I know, respectful, loving, my connection, my brother, my everything...

I love you ...

Vita est quoque brevis

I want to apologise in advance for this depressing, reality checking, morbid first blog. With no colour or font change. This is what it is. Black and White. Life and Death.

Timing couldn't have been better/worse- to vent and to spill words all over the "page"- then now.
People we love die. It's just a cruel matter of fact. We can't prevent it, we can't make it hurt less, it's one of those definite things in life. Life goes on, and we hate that it does. We think, "How can life carry on without them in it?" But the world keeps turning and some how, some how we carry on...

A number of things happen to us when we lose someone we care about, or feel for those close to us who have lost.
No.1 - Reality check. It makes us aware of how quickly someone we love can be taken away from us. So it makes us appreciate those we love, and sometimes, even those we hate. It forces us to look at our lives, our relationships and validate how we are as a person and how little or how much we actually take people in our life for granted. In a way we learn from death. We take a huge sigh of relief as this time it wasn't us, or our immediate family and loved ones. It now allows us to steal time to say a quick, "I love you." "Be safe." " I care."

No.2 - It allows us to be more seroius about our own safety and the validity of our own lives. To drive more carefully, to never drink and drive, to always wear your seatbelt. Unfortunately most of these feelings are short lived and we go back to our own self absorbed lives and often forget about the little things in life and how a simple gesture to a stranger, or a simple i love you to the ones you love, can not only brighten their day, but yours too. We go back to "It won't ever happen to me or someone i love" attitude and it takes yet another accident or life changing event to once again make you realise how precious life is. My title "Vita est quoque brevis" means, "Life's too short" and often too late.

Finally No.3...
If someone close to us loses a loved one, we actually, wholeheartedly FEEL for someone else, for their loss, there's no falseness, or fakeness, or any kind of insincerity at all. Our heart aches, our soul aches, our body aches. It is the epitome of emotions and being human. For a moment the world stands still. And it's not all about you and your life. It's about them. It's one of the most selfless feelings and helpless ones too.

Lets not wait until someone has to lose someone to remind us again how very special all our relationships and friendships are. Phone your mom and dad, make up with your friend that you may be fighting with, not tomorrow, but now. For you don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.

R.I.P Carla Ravell-
There's one less place at our table. There's one less tear in my eye. The things that you stood for...Like truth and light, may that never die... Carve her name with pride and courage. <3>

I. love. you. all. my. friends. my family. always.