Written on the 21st April:
Friends. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that I'm sick of trying, sick of making the most effort, sick of waiting for people to change and become proper friends. Yet I'm still torn between letting them go and hanging on to them. I sometimes feel I'd rather have them as "every now and then" friends, then not at all. Some call them "party friends" some "fair-whether-friends." Can you even call someone like that your friend? One in particular, that I genuinely love, and care about a lot, never calls, never smses me if I don't sms her first. It just seems so one sided and makes me so angry. There have been times that I've cut her out of my life without her knowing and then when I see her and we're together, everything's just perfect again. But then the same circle starts once again. Where I make all the effort and feel worthless and unimportant to her. The thing is, this is the kinda person she is... This is how she is with most of her friendships, she doesn't really need anyone. But, that doesn't excuse her or make it OK. Because I'm someone that does need people. So at this point in time, I for some reason, feel lonely. Not because I have no one, or no friends. Just because I feel like I'm lacking PROPER, true, always there for you, kind of friends. I'm not blaming them entirely for their lack of friendship, I blame myself too.
I don't really have a "best friend" that I run to when I'm upset or needing a break from life. I have a girlfriend who is all of the things I need. She's my lover, my best friend, my comfort, my partner in crime, my support and my family. She's everything in one. But there's naturally only so much a lover can do and when a friend needs to step in... I used to have a "twin" (as Muffin calls it) a few actually, but now as i'm older and more mature, they all seem to have fallen away for different reasons. I now have lots of friends for lots of different areas of my life. Just not one that can fulfill all at once.
This year, starting my course, I've found a whole mixute of different people in my class. Which in itself is awesome, such different personalities and maturity levels. Keeps me entertained. Yet there are those few that after a while I need some serious space from. Some of them I can only handle in small doses. Maturity levels rise and fall every day... Sometimes I feel 17 again and sometimes I'm so glad I'm not. I have my own group of friends that I love and those few who I have really connected and shared so much with and them with me. But I do feel some of them keep very much to their own group/colour, which personally I don't really like. It makes me feel weird and separated. Even with some of my closser friends, I feel in the past they were still very closed to me, and i'd try provoke or be interested in their lives, yet, I'd still feel it was very one sided- yet again. But i suppose, some people just take longer to trust, longer to accept, longer to love and care than I do. And that's something I have to learn and respect.
Every friend I have in my life is special to me in some way. I care, I care a lot. Sometimes too much.
These are just my feelings, take it or leave it.
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